Ted Nugent

Ted Nugent is a completely disgusting rock musician who hasn’t had a hit in decades, but maintains his “relevance” by being an outspoken advocate for guns and murdering Democrats.

Ted’s Career

For someone who most people know about, Ted Nugent has had an underwhelming career as a musician. Most of his songs never made it above #70 on the charts, and he’s never had an album make it above #13, and that was his live album Double Live Gonzo from 1978. Arguably, the most successful thing he’s ever done musically was being a part of the “super group” Damn Yankees, who made it to #3 on the Hot 100 with “High Enough.”

Throughout Ted’s career, two trends are remarkably consistent.

The first is that he writes songs with an adolescent understanding of sexuality. Songs like “Wango Tango,” “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang,” “Yank Me, Crank Me,” and “The Harder They Come (The Harder I Get)” all sound could have been written by a middle school kid.

Unfortunately the second trend of his career is that Ted seems to also be attracted to middle school kids. Songs like “Jailbait,” “Little Miss Dangerous,” “Girl Scout Cookies,” and many others include deeply disturbing lyrics that point toward that conclusion.

There are plenty of musicians who have written songs that cover this sort of territory (Gary Puckett and Benny Mardones come to mind), but what makes Ted’s case particularly disturbing is that there appears to be a blurring between art and artist.

In an interview with Howard Stern, Courtney Love discussed how Ted Nugent had her come backstage and perform oral sex on him when she was twelve years old. He would have been approximately 29 at the time. Three years later, he would record the song Jailbait, which includes the lyric, “I don’t care if you’re just 13/You look too good to be true.”

Many people have claimed that in 1978, Ted adopted his 17 year-old girlfriend Pele Massa so her parents could not object to them having sex. This story has been contested by Ted, who insists he didn’t adopt her, he just got her parents’ blessing. He does not contest being a 30 year-old man who dated a 17 year-old, which is gross, with or without the adoption.

Ted The Patriot

Throughout his career, Ted has paradoxically been one of the grossest creeps in music, and simultaneously the darling of the supposedly “morally driven” GOP. A large part of this is thanks to the GOP being a group of craven hypocrites who lack any true convictions, but the rest of it mostly boils down to how much Ted Nugent loves guns.

Ted has been a Board Member of the National Rifle Association since 1995, and in his tenure, he’s accidentally been a living embodiment of a strong case for gun control, ranging from the time he called the victims of the Parkland shooting soulless, to the (many) times he brandished machine guns on stage and discussed telling Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Barbara Boxer, and Dianne Fienstein to “suck on his machine gun.”

Ted wears his politics the way he wears his sexuality, like a child. When he opens his mouth and argues for gun rights and all manner of conservative positions, all that comes out is the political and policy equivalent of “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang.”

Thus, it’s really not worth it to even entertain him as a serious thing. That said, it’s hilarious that Alex Jones has Ted Nugent on as a guest and as a friend. The excessive love of guns and an adolescent obsession with masculinity clearly creates deep bonds.