This, my friends, will be the think piece to end all think pieces. Because this, my dear friends, is a think piece about ending all think pieces. And so it begins:
Avengers: Infinity Wars can go fuck itself. First, it totally stole my idea (except the specifically targeting white people part, but I feel like that was implied). Second, the sheer volume of “Here’s why Thanos has a point” and “Here’s why Thanos doesn’t have a point” think pieces. The number is staggering (this one is my personal favorite, you can absolutely see him shaking his fist at “liberals” on the porch). And, like my personal favorite, most, if not all, of them wind up referencing Malthusian theory because even think piece writers are capable of cursory google searching.
To summate Malthusian theory: population grows exponentially, production grows linearly, sooner or later this bums everybody out and a lot of people die, so it’s probably a good idea to have fewer people. Let me give you an example of why summating this theory is the best thing I’ve ever done for you. This is the first fucking sentence:
The great and unlooked for discoveries that have taken place of late years in
natural philosophy, the increasing diffusion of general knowledge from the extension of
the art of printing, the ardent and unshackled spirit of inquiry that prevails throughout the
lettered and even unlettered world, the new and extraordinary lights that have been
thrown on political subjects which dazzle and astonish the understanding, and
particularly that tremendous phenomenon in the political horizon, the French Revolution,
which, like a blazing comet, seems destined either to inspire with fresh life and vigour,
or to scorch up and destroy the shrinking inhabitants of the earth, have all concurred to
lead many able men into the opinion that we were touching on a period big with the
most important changes, changes that would in some measure be decisive of the future
fate of mankind.
Now, to many, this is a discussion. If you want to point to an example of a Malthusian crisis (the part where everybody dies) you can look to the potato famine in Ireland. Or, conversely, you could say that Malthus’ math was wrong because he didn’t know that the agricultural revolution would be able to provide enough calories to support a population explosion. It’s not really a discussion, though, because the answer to whether or not Malthus is right is pretty simple; sometimes yes, sometimes no. Malthus’ think piece wasn’t just shitty and long, it was also fucking obvious.
(Also, seriously, that dude blamed liberals! I love it. These idiots will find any way to be dicks.)
Jordan, I say to myself because you’re reading this and I can’t tell if you are asking me the question I’m about to ask myself as a rhetorical device that is as played out as me making fun of this rhetorical device in a comically long aside, isn’t this just one topic for think pieces? All of them aren’t this stupid. And I say to myself, in the voice Dan uses to facetiously call me stupid, you asked that question because you, in fact, are the one who is stupid. Of course all think pieces are this stupid.
Kanye can go fuck himself. Not cause he’s a Nazi or whatever now, though the idea that someone we knew is crazy said something crazy being the cause of news is pretty hilarious to me, but because I can’t avoid think pieces about him. They. Are. Fucking. Everywhere (seriously, NPR, I expect more from you). What is the correct take on Kanye? That dude’s fucking crazy and he always has been (insert played out Kardashian joke that is almost as played out as the “insert _____ joke here” parenthetical).
Think pieces are a scourge upon humanity and the byproduct of a great failing of human psychology. Boredom.
I am bored.
Which is why I’m writing this. Everything I’ve written is exemplifying the very problem I am writing about. Even with this self-awareness, I still feel compelled to do it. Ugh.
I'm of the opinion that Thanos should've finished the job instead of half-assing it.